For The Child
December 13, 2006

The Present of Presence

The Present of Presence: and three other 'must have' gifts for your children this holiday season!

Each year we have highlighted great products, services and people who have helped make the world a more accepting and respectful place. This year, I wanted to share with you some things that I have learned from my seven-year old daughter.

The holiday shopping season is in full swing, and while I was able to avoid "Black Friday", I have not been able to stop the frenetic search for the 'must have's from my daughter's six-page-and growing-"Santa list". Most of the things she is asking for are things that strike her fancy now, but will lose their appeal shortly after they are unwrapped. But, I will do what I cannot to disappoint her. After all, I want to give her what she wants!

But as I am standing on a line that winds around through the store anticipating yet another Christmas Eve spent putting toys together only to find I don't have batteries, I wonder if what I am giving her what she really wants?

The answers--like most of the profound parenting lessons-come from my daughter. And while, I will not abandon my quest to acquire this year's hottest holiday gifts, the lessons have given pause.

What do you think about them?

The Gift of Being Present

My daughter recently decreed that dinnertime was 'family time' and we were not to be distracted by any outside disturbances. So, when the phone rings-when we are eating dinner, or playing a game, or even when she is doing her homework- and I automatically reach for it, she glares at me and says, "Mom, this is family time." I habitually pick up the phone when it rings, answer a knock at the door and check email on my ever-present Blackbery-no matter what we might be doing. I never really thought about it from my daughter's perspective-but she knew that while I was there, I wasn't there.

Ok, I get it! She wants me to be present with her, in the moment-not just physically. She wants to junk the Blackberry, disconnect the phone, etc. and focus on her.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

The Gift of Memories

What do you remember from your childhood? Do you remember the gifts you got, or do you recall your happiness when you and your family was in the midst of its holiday traditions? I have to admit, I still remember not getting white go-go boots-but other than that the gifts are a blur. What I do remember are the smells of our Christmas Eve 'fish fest', my father's annual gift of Old Spice and the Christmas. I remember the taste of mother's lemon meringue pie-and helping her make it every year-and the sounds of laughter as we tried unsuccessfully to find where our presents were hidden.

Today, our kids want i-Pods and Nintendo DS's and cell phones, and ponies and designer paraphernalia-and we will give them what they can. But what they will remember is how they felt-cherished, respected and safe.

Each year my daughter makes the gifts she gives to her family and friends. Generally, they are gifts that we work on together. While I do admit to having to restrain my tendency to micro-manage her work, we work together happily. As we were deciding what this year's gift would be, she turned to me and said, "Mommy, I hope that my children will like doing stuff with me as I do with you". Talk about the stuff that memories are made of!!!

Making lasting memories that will comfort and guide our children is our legacy. I know that they will not remember the gifts they got (but if they ask for go-go boots-take my word for it-get them) but they will remember the rituals, the smells, sound and tastes that bring them joy and enrich their lives.

The Gift of Acceptance

All of us, no matter what age or life stage, want to be accepted and respect for who we are-warts, wrinkles and all. The ability to let your child be who they are and not who you want them to be is perhaps the most difficult aspect of parenting yet it is, perhaps, the greatest gift you can give them.

Recently, my daughter excitedly showed me her attempt to copy some calligraphy we have hanging in our home. She was thrilled-and so was I. I was so thrilled that I began the frantic search for a calligraphy teacher. My daughter silently continued with her calligraphy while surreptitiously glancing my way. When I looked at her efforts later, I couldn't ignore the closing sentence that said, "My mom wants me to take calligraphy lessons."

Ouch! Point taken!

There is a fine line between encouraging children to master things and pushing your own agenda. Our children do know what they want. We just have to accept that-and them.

The Gift of Example and Leadership

We are our children's first and best teachers. They watch us incessantly and learn through imitation. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they only imitated the behaviors that we wanted them too? Wouldn't be great if they only absorbed the things we were proud of in ourselves and could filter out the negative. And wouldn't it be nice if they could ignore our biases and prejudices and view the world with open eyes and an open heart.

Yes, all of those things would be nice and maybe then can happen-if you are an automaton. Parents, like the children they raise, are human beings and don't come with operating instructions. That being said, guiding your children by example is a powerful way for them to learn how to treat themselves and others. Your children will pick up your biases and assimilate them into their own thinking very quickly. They will look for clues in the media, in school and the community to validate those biases.

Your ability to be a role model and guide your children to accept and respect others will directly impact their ability to do the same. So, watch you language, create a nurturing and diverse environment and check your own biases at the door. If we can do that, we can help our children develop the skills to be successful in the world they will inherit.

So in the midst of all of your holiday preparations, remember the while the gifts we are wrapping and exchanging with our loved ones can provide a warm glow, it is the gifts of acceptance, leadership, memory-making and presence that make the best and longest-lasting presents.

From all of us at As Simple As That®, we wish you a peaceful and joyous holiday season filled with everything you wish for.

And if you know where I can get a Nintendo DS or a Tickle Me Elmo, please let me know!

Deb