For The Child
January 22, 2007

New Year's Resolution # 479 — Facts rule in 2007!

Today is January 22nd and my usual New Year's Resolutions-lose weight, get to the gym, and to start my tomato plants from seed have already fallen by the wayside. But for 2007, I resolve to answer my daughter's questions about race, culture, adoption and other thorny issues with as many facts as I can.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful role model in my daughter's pediatrician, Dr. Jane Aronson, who has been doing just that ever since my daughter was too young to comprehend what Dr. Jane was saying.

Dr. Jane and my daughter have a materially different relationship than I ever had with my pediatrician-or any other physician for that matter. Every year, prior to her annual visit with Dr. Jane, my daughter prepares a list of questions. They range from the medical to the metaphysical. The same list of questions might include a question like "why do men have nipples if they don't need them to feed babies," to" is my Grandpa Charlie in heaven." Dr. Jane answers all of Noelle's questions calmly and succinctly-sticking to what she knows to be fact and offering her opinion-and identifying at such-elsewhere. Since it seemed so easy for her, I decided to follow her lead.

Ahhh. If only it was as easy as it looked!

My first try came when Noelle (who was born in China) decided she wanted to be the president of the United States (after she goes to medical school, of course). I replied that she couldn't become the president of the US because US presidents have to be born in the US.

I was mentally congratulating myself for good parenting when my daughter quipped "That's I will just become the president of China."

Now, most smart parents would have nodded their heads and smiled-after all, the statement didn't really call for an answer. But, I launched into a diatribe about the political and cultural issues facing women in China. When her eyes glazed over, I knew I had gone overboard with truth-telling.

The first lesson learned-only answer the questions that your child asks. When they want more information they will seek it out.

Thankfully, I had another chance to try my new strategy when we were on vacation in the Caribbean. My daughter was fascinated by the beautiful shades of dark skin she saw all around her. This time I was determined to get "it right" so when she asked me some people had dark skin than we did, I was able to answer her with the facts. She totally "got" my explanation that melanin in their skin was more active then ours in order to protect them from getting sunburned. (Of course, it helped that Dr. Jane had explained what melanin was to her in an earlier visit!)

Then I stopped.

She then wanted to know HOW their melanin became more active. After my bumbling attempts at explaining the theory of evolution, she said, "I get it." "They need their sunscreen in their skin because they live where it is sunny and hot most of the time."

They inherited it from their parents and grandparents and great-grandparents!

That explanation made sense to her.

There was no 'better or worse' or pejorative conversations.

It was just fact!

And she was prepared with a calm, factual response when one of her classmates was teasing her about the color of her skin. Now, her entire second grade class (and anyone else who cares to listen) is clued into the facts about melanin and skin color.

There is nothing more satisfying than watching your child fight fear and ignorance of people's differences with fact.

With the help of professionals like Dr. Jane and the Internet, we can give our kids logical, scientific and non-judgmental information.

I will keep you posted on New Year's Resolution # 479!

Have a great month!