Five Questions with Laura Gannarelli

(View Biography)

We want to thank Laura for her candid answers to some very complex and personal questions. Laura says that her mom “focused on her becoming a strong, independent woman who can accomplish anything…” We think you’ll agree that she has accomplished this—and more—when you read her responses to your questions.

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1. At what age did you have the hardest time dealing with the reality of your adoption? Do you have any particular insights as to why that time was problematic?

At all ages!

It was never easy!

Remember, I didn’t join my family until I was seven, so I had the memories and feelings of my first seven years to deal with. So, in truth, there has never been a time when the reality was the hardest-it was always hard. It was, however, different at each stage of growing up and the issues were different. But, when I went back to Korea for the first time in 30 years, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional aftermath.

I always knew I would go back. But when I went back, all I did was cry for the losses I had endured: loss of my first home, my birth family, and my culture. I went through the entire grieving phase again. That said, it was also one of the best things I could have ever done. That trip helped me to do a little emotional housecleaning. I was able look at those memories that were always lurking and to face them head on as an adult. If I made the trip as a child or a young adult, I wouldn’t have come out of it with the depth of understanding nor had the tools to help me build on it.

I know it sounds like a cliché, but out of extreme pain, comes true understanding. I was fortunate that the opportunity to go to an emotionally difficult place—one that caused the most pain—did give me strength and perspective. I can say “look at me, despite everything you did to make me feel less than what I am, I am here to tell you that I am here.”

Now I realize that you can’t run away from past memories. It becomes part of your DNA.

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2. My Asian-born daughter recently mimicked another child’s ethnic ‘joke’ about eye shape. I was outraged and encouraged her to realize that this racial slur was not appropriate and that she should ‘fight back.’ I was shocked when my daughter responded vehemently that she wished she wasn’t Chinese and hated Chinese people. I understand her desire to fit in, yet I am concerned about how her racial identity might develop. I would like to her to understand that she was being teased and that she can acknowledge her racial differences in a positive manner and that she has the right to be treated with dignity and respect. How can I help her develop her racial identity and not stand silently by when others ignorantly make fun of her and all Asians? I am looking to balance her need to develop a racial identity as a woman of color and her role in our Caucasian family and her need to fit in. Short of moving to an Asian community, what can I do?

First, believe me that she knows she’s being teased. And I am not surprised that she participated. By doing so, she has disassociated in her mind that the others won’t see her as an “Asian” or “them.” That’s kind of the game that goes on in your head because it is almost as if we think “if I make fun too, then well, they won’t see me as different.”

Second, think about all the roles she has to play as a woman, Asian, Chinese, adopted, and a daughter. She also is trying to figure out how she fits into your family—a Caucasian family—and how this point of reference fits into her own racial or cultural identity. And that’s just for now! As she grows older and marries and has her own family, the number of roles increases dramatically! It then makes some sense that she would almost do anything to fit in—at least on the surface and at least temporarily.

Most of all I would acknowledge the honesty of her feelings in the moment. When she said “I hate Chinese…” that was her honest, real feelings at that moment. Keep in mind that kids feelings changes daily, if not more frequently and children of adoption are no different, but they grapple with unique and often difficult issues on top of the usual roller coaster of childhood emotions. I believe her feelings about being Chinese will change over time, but in the meantime, don’t dismiss it or disregard them simply because they shocked you.

I applaud her courage for sharing her feelings. And I applaud you for supporting her as she struggles to find her place in the world. I also think you are on target with putting the slurs against Chinese people into the larger societal context and letting her know that it is fundamentally wrong to make fun of anyone. Period.

She also may feel that she stands out simply for “what she is” than “who she is.” I know I often felt resentful when people responded “of course, you’re Asian” (the “what” I am) when they discovered I played the piano and had artistic abilities (part of the “who” I am). This kind of thinking negated and devalued hours and hours of my hard work—as if simply being Asian insured musical, artistic and intellectual prowess! Your daughter, as with all of our daughters, will have to combat current stereotypes and make sure that they aren’t perpetuated.

I doubt moving to an Asian community would change things. The best thing that you can do is help her gain a good self-respect for herself, not only as an Asian, but as a woman. To me, in many ways, that’s the larger issue. Focusing just on her “Asian-ness” seems a bit narrow.

Second, the world isn’t kind and your child is not likely to be treated with kid gloves. I would encourage you to teach her to “ride the wave” and/or have some pithy or poignant comebacks at the ready. I used to think about what I would say if someone directed a racial slur at me so I felt prepared. Empower her to use her voice to fight bias and racism.

Third, help her be comfortable and respectful of her culture as early and often as possible. Growing up, I didn’t know anything about Korean culture, so when I was mistaken for Chinese or Japanese, it seemed hollow for me to respond “I am Korean”—I didn’t have a clue as to what it was like to be Korean! Once she knows more about her culture and identifies with it on a more fundamental level, then she will be able to associate with it at as a positive thing. But that comes from you educating her and exposing her in meaningful and realistic ways to her culture: reading, travel, holiday celebrations, multi-cultural and Asian friends, and debunking Asian stereotypes are a start. They have to real, wholehearted and consistent. These are the things that will identify your family and anchor your daughter in the traditions of both cultures.

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3. Have you ever considered using your Korean name? Would this help a person with his/her racial identity? How do you feel when people first meet you and probably expect a person of Italian-American background?

No.

For me, there is a clear delineation between the past: the little girl who lived in Korea for seven years and Laura, the person I became once I landed here. It helps me to separate my past from my present.

I lived a whole lifetime in Korea, so my life in the U.S. is my “reincarnation” and my second chance. Unlike the many infants who are adopted and who have no memories of their birth culture and society, I lived the reality of how Korean children like me lived and were treated.

As for people’s expectations when they meet me, I usually find it funny. If I am not in a good mood and people ask the seemingly inevitable, “what are you?” Then I reply, “my dad’s Italian.” Most people back off then. If I am in a more playful mood, I will say as I walk away, “My mom is Swedish.”

Maybe having an Italian last name kind of fits the black hair and brown eyes. It was more of a hassle people pronouncing the name incorrectly and having to spell out every syllable each and every time. But it was great for job interviews because when I did my callbacks, I had a sneaking suspicion that they were thinking…”yes…that Italian-Korean girl.”

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4. How can I best talk to my daughters about their birth families-particularly their birth mothers, to validate their beginnings and also strengthen ties to our family. How did you parents handle the balance between having you understand and be proud of your heritage and as a treasured part of your forever family?

Please be informed! And always be truthful.

No matter what “info” the agencies give, they may not be the truth or accurate. So I wouldn’t bank on what they say. It depends on each situation, case by case. Take it as a starting point.

If your children ask you about adoption, then pull out the papers, look at the information together and see what questions arise. Don’t lock it up in a safe like it’s not meant to be seen. Put it in a special place, or better yet, ask them where she would like to keep it so that she can have access to it whenever they like. Let it be their decision. This way, it would help them to feel ownership of it and to not always have to ask permission to see it. It empowers her to live with it knowing that those papers belong to her. They are her link to her past. It’s a part of her personal history. And, this may be a weird thing to say, but teach her to be proud of it, and not to be ashamed of it. I have heard too many stories of parents locking up the papers and not allowing their children, even as adults, to access to the papers. I personally don’t understand this behavior, because in reality, it’s not theirs, but ours.

In the beginning, my parents took us to typical get-togethers with other children who were adopted. But, you must also understand, because of my traumatic memories, the last thing I wanted was to be exposed to things that reminded me of Korea. The only way I could express it was to refuse to go. And so we stopped.

I assumed that my parents knew the truth, which was not the case. I wondered why they were dragging me to these things that just reminded me of Korea, when that was the last thing I wanted. “I traveled half way around the world to get away from it, why are you taking me back?” was my internal feeling.

It’s all a balance, and the only advice I can say is to always have an open policy that you can talk about it whenever and wherever. And since you can’t predict when she wants to talk about it, just drop whatever you are doing, treat it as a “chance of a lifetime” because that moment may never come again and you will have missed an amazing opportunity.

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5. What is the one thing you think your parents did best in raising you-as it relates to being Asian in a Caucasian family? Is there anything you would have them (or us) do differently knowing what you know now?

I think it goes beyond me being Asian or Korean. My mom focused on my becoming a strong, independent woman who could accomplish whatever I set my mind to and to value myself as a person in my own right. When you have a strong sense of self, it’s easy to deal with all the misinformed people that cross your path. I remember the many times she tried to get me to be less stubborn…but it didn’t take. I will be the first to admit that I am a very strong-willed, stubborn, and opinionated person and if you cross the line, you will be made aware of it. That is where I value how she brought me up. She always emphasized that we had a right to get our opinions heard. I remember many conversations at our dinner table of all the different topics that ranged from books to politics to just silly every day things. But what stands out in my mind is that “we had a right to be heard” and that had a tremendous impact on me.

What would I ask parents to do differently today?

Listen to your child. Don’t take her back to China or Korea or etc. because that’s what everyone else is doing. Take the cue from your child. Also, besides saving money for their wedding day, save more for their “motherland stay.” Tell your child that a separate fund is being kept for him or her for when he or she wants to go back. That it will be there whether he or she is 8, 30 or 50. I also strongly encourage them as an adult to go on their own, without the family. It’s the only way to truly experience it not only for herself, but also for everyone.

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Our next featured guest is Tiffany Morrison, owner of Mix It Up, a new line of greeting cards for interracial couples and multiracial consumers (www.Mix-It-Up.net).